after georgia has been sleeping for a couple of hours, and i'm about to go to bed, i go in and check on her for the twentieth time since she went to sleep. but, because i know it's the last time i'll come into her room until the morning, this time i always touch her hand and let her sleepy fingers curl around mine. they are perfect and feel so good. like my little girl's hands. the same hands that have been pushing mine away all day when i try to wipe her nose, help her put a star puff in her mouth, tie her shoes, try to pull a shirt over her head, put a barrette in her hair, buckle her car seat, all the things that she should be objecting to at this age. but, in her sleep, in her cozy bed, she knows that i am her mommy and she holds my hand.sometimes, at random moments throughout the day or week, it strikes me that i am a mom. maybe it seems stranger to me than other moms because it's been so long in coming, there have been times in my life when i wasn't sure i wanted it, or because i didn't really understand how much you could love something so ultimately dependent on you.
i was at a doctor's appointment last week and inevitably i got to have the conversation that i always get to have with anyone who is providing some kind of service for georgia.....the one about her last name and why it's still different and what do you mean she doesn't have a social security number yet, etc. etc. so, i explained to this particular lady the whole adoption "thing" and she smiled and looked at georgia who was smiling at her and said, "what? she's adopted? what kind of mom would want to give her away?"
i was stunned for a moment. i'd never heard that one (hope i never do again to be frank). i just stared at the woman who in that moment didn't seem as nice and cheerful as she had two minutes before. i said, "wow. i don't really know how to answer that." she instantly realized she'd said the wrong thing and then proceeded to back pedal with many weak attempts to say something nice; all the while just making it worse. i finally just interrupted with, "it's fine. where were the bathrooms again?"
but that question really made me think. the answer to her question was 'no one.' no one WANTED to give georgia away. they knew it was the right thing to do for georgia, and yes, for themselves too since they were young and had a lot of life and growing up left to do. but the right thing doesn't always equate to WANTED. the right thing is frequently hard, and painful, and devastating, but it doesn't mean it's any less right. struggles make us better. the right thing often means struggles.
i've been thinking a lot about my birth parents lately and that choice that they made and how the first few times we saw them after georgia was born i wondered if they ever second guessed their decision; they wanted to see her a lot. i'm sure they might have. every decision, easy and hard, comes with second guessing. we saw them frequently throughout the summer and early fall. i could tell when i told some people about it they felt like maybe i was being risky, it was too much, they didn't understand.
i got it. i would have been much less empathetic to someone else doing what i was doing before i lived it. however, one of the things that i learned while going through this adoption is that at the beginning the open-ness factor isn't about you, it's about them. it's helping them heal. helping them understand that what they did was good. reinforcing their positive behavior. i know it worked. i know my birth-parents, my birth mom especially (i see her more) are healing. i know she's doing fantastic. she's told me, her mom has told me and i can see it in her. and the reason i really know she's doing great.....i don't get to see her as often as i used to because she doesn't ask to come over as much anymore
what's funny though, and i didn't expect this, is that there is a little part of me that doesn't want our visits to become less frequent because i really like her. i know it means a good thing. i know it means she's living the life she's supposed to, she's vibrant and happy, well-adjusted, and is a "normal" teenage girl. i don't think she would have gotten "there" if she hadn't been able to see georgia as much as she did, to help confirm her decision.
so, in an answer to the lady at the doctor's office who asked, "what kind of mom would give her up?" my response to her should have been, "a selfless one. one that made the harder decision. one that made the best decision for georgia. one that knew she was not ready to provide a stable family for the little girl she was carrying. one that knew she had a lot more to learn before she was ready to be a mom. one that will one day be a great mom to her own kids."
and every night when georgia's fingers curl around mine i thank god that my birth mom is the kind of 'mom' that she is.
these are just the rambling thoughts i've been having lately on this whole big journey of adoption. we're about to be done with the actual 'adoption' phase of this journey when it comes to being georgia's parents. she will offically be georgia elyse terryn on december 17th. we have our final court date. it's adoption day in kent county that day. it will be a fantastic celebration with lots of other families who are completing their adoptions too. we can't wait!
