one week old today....

so....little miss georgia was born one week ago today. it's crazy to think of all the "life" we've lived in that one week and that will serve as my explanation for why i've fallen a little behind on the blog. she's an amazing little girl and we love her like crazy. it's funny how quickly your "normal" changes and it feels like you've had her in your house forever when it's only been one week. just a quick (maybe not so quick) little run-down on our week's past events......

--last weekend--

we went to the hospital on saturday to see georgia for the first time. it was such a strange thing to go visit our daughter in someone else's hospital room....but she was so loved by everyone in that room that it felt good to know that she was so well-taken care of. the nurses were incredible and supported our birth parents and us so well. one of them even came back on her day off to spend the afternoon with our birth mom; talking about about her decision and why it was such an amazing one. the two of them had really made a connection during the delivery and our birth mom felt very comfortable with her. we got to feed georgia and change her....listen to her scream in anger when we took her clothes off and spend some time with our birth parents and their parents.

i know that a lot of people feel like this journey with our birth parents has been strange.....we've been asked a lot about boundaries and confusion and what if they change their minds and so many other things that we asked ourselves before we got to know them. our adoption agency believes that is best for everyone involved for an adoption to be open. it doesn't feel as manipulative to the birth mom.....like a huge part of her life is just going to get swept under the carpet and forgotten about. it doesn't feel as cruel to the adoptive parents....i know....it sounds strange for me to say that i would ever feel cruel doing this....and at the end of the day....i don't. but when you get to know someone like our birth mom and birth dad and hear how they've come to this decision and what they want for this little girl and know how well they've taken care of her for the past nine months and how they are prepared to have their hearts broken because they know they can never provide for her the life they want her to have.....it hurts so much to see them hurt and it feels cruel to sweep in and take georgia and never let them get to understand how truly great this decision was.

so.....the above is what made sunday so hard. when we went to pick georgia up i told chris that walking into that hospital room was the best and worst thing i've ever done in my life. i can't write a lot about it right now....it's really fresh and makes me cry and i'm a little too tired right now to cry a lot.....but i hugged our birth mom for a while and we cried together and i asked her if she was ready....she said as ready as she'd ever be....i had her put georgia in her car-seat....they both kissed her goodbye and then just turned away from us so we could leave. i've never met two stronger and braver teenagers in my life.......just incredible individuals. i give so much credit to their parents as well who have counseled them so well and so bravely....constantly looking out for what was best for their "babies" and what kind of life they wanted their kids to have.

our social worker told us that we had to give ourselves permission to feel joy in the day....that we had to let go and feel happy for what we were doing. she hoped for us that as soon as we got home that we'd let go. early on in the adoption process our social workers really encouraged us to have a lot of people at the house when we brought our baby home so that it naturally took on a celebratory feeling amidst so much heartache for the birth parents. so we did....it was so much fun to have so many visitors on sunday.....just this incredible parade of people who all had prayed for and already loved georiga.....it felt like a party and we're so thankful to everyone who came by! we love you all......and so does gigi (i don't think i can fight this nickname.....it's her aunt ellen's favorite)

--the nights--

georgia has been a good little sleeper....getting up about two or three times....every three to four hours.....she eats and usually goes right back to sleep. i think she looks the cutest at night when i peek at her in her crib....she's all swaddled up like a burrito and only her cute little face is showing. and she's always so sweet and cuddly at three in the morning once i put that bottle in her mouth. chris has been amazing.....we've really become such a better team than i could ever have imagined. my mom and sister have been incredible too.....so helpful and so in love with georgia and i think they'd let her sleep on their chests all night if chris and i would let them.

--the days--

georgia has been so happy during the day and just lets all the visitors who come by everyday pass her around from arm to arm....sleeping the whole time. she loves baths....she actually feel asleep during one like she was having a spa treatment. she has hiccups all the time and i think she thinks they're funny. she had them almost every day for the past four months too so they've really just become a part of her life. she went to the dr.'s for the first time yesterday and has put back on all of her birth weight and then some....she has a little bit of thrush on her tongue which is very common in babies so she has her first antibiotic....it's so strange to see her name printed on a medicine bottle because she's finally a real little person.

our birth mom came over on tuesday with her mom and then with our birth dad on wednesday....they loved seeing her room and seeing what her house looked like. it made them feel good to see her environment and us with her in it. it makes me happy to get to see them and see them looking happier and more content. i'm excited to see how this relationship progresses.....

for now....i need to wrap up....this is getting long....i just felt like there was so much to report within this week.....a few pictures below of georgia's first week!

coming home.....

today is the day that we bring georgia home. we're heading to the hospital at 12:30 this afternoon. we don't know how long we'll be there. could be an hour, could be three hours.....it just all depends on how this good-bye goes for our birth mom. i remember all those adoption classes i sat through in november where i heard about how hard this day is and how as an adoptive mom you just feel sick for the pain of the birth mom and i thought....not us....we'll just be excited to bring her home.....this morning, i feel sick with worry. i feel like the weight of this assignment to raise georgia is so heavy because i'm not just doing it for us but for the four of us. they've given us the ultimate sacrifice and we are compelled to do a good job for them......and at this minute, almost more than anything else. i know that emotions will change and when she gets home and i'll start thinking of her as ours.....just ours....but right now it's very difficult and feels almost selfish.

i've had a lot of people tell me that they don't understand how i can feel this way.....she is yours.....it's for the best.....etc., and i know that's true....i really do.....but at this moment.....at 8:30 on sunday morning i feel a little sad....sad that i'm ripping someones heart out and i'm supposed to just walk away. but i know that's what i have to do and i know that it's ultimately what i want to do. i just want to be home.....i want it to be a week from now when, hopefully, some of those crushing feelings will be over. i hope.....but i have learned through this process that just when you feel like you're emotionally safe....you're really not. i suppose though, that that never goes away as a parent.

okay....all those sad feelings are out.....i have a hard time with emotion in real life--so this blog has really helped me be able to communicate what i'm feeling without having to always verbalize it in the moment......a perfect candidate for a psychologists couch? absolutely. i've come to grips with that a long time ago!

but....the best part.....we got to see georgia yesterday for the first time. what a perfect little person. she is warm and snuggly and feels so good to hold. she makes cute little noises when you feed her. she has long fingers and toes. she smells like a baby--a clean one. she has more hair than i've ever seen on a baby. she has her birth-moms lips and her birth-dads nose. she's perfect. a few pictures to prove it......

georgia elyse terryn....

born this morning at 6:35.
8 lbs. 2 ozs.
perfect.
a headful of brown hair.
we'll see her later today.
we'll let everyone know and post pictures.
we can't believe it.
thank you everyone for everything.
we love you.
and her the most.

11:52 p.m.....thursday night

we got the call. the one that right before i went to bed i said we'd never get.....she's on her way. it was my birth mom......laughing. she said she really couldn't talk so i should talk to her mom. her mom said she was feeling pretty good....the good stuff was really kicking in and they were ready to start pushing any minute now. they'll call when she's born.

i can't believe that i'm allowed to be in this place, in this moment right now. it's so amazing. and i'm honored by the all prayers that have been offered up all week for this little marvel (as my sister said tonight)....we'll have more news to come soon.......very soon.......

march 20th......to steal a line from my boss whose birthday is the 20th.....truly a magical day.

a waiting game......

our due date is monday....the 16th. it seems crazy that five weeks have passed since we first got that long awaited call from our social worker telling us that there was a couple who wanted to meet us. i remember thinking at that time that there was no way we could be ready for a baby in five weeks. but......our friends, family,co-workers, vendors on my much adored etsy.com, and one really cheap painter have been truly amazing in showering us with gifts and being willing to rush jobs for us. this little girl is going to be so loved.

in looking back over the past five weeks i don't think i would have wanted much more time than we've had. the waiting is too hard and seems so long as we get closer and closer to the due date. this five weeks has been the longest wait we've had in this five year journey.

it's so strange to think of all the life we've lived in the last five weeks. we've met with our birth parents and their parents four different times, we've had two baby showers, we've put together a nursery, we've hung out with all of our family members, i've trained a long-term sub for my classroom at school, we've read a book together on getting your baby on a schedule, i cleaned out a drawer in our kitchen for bottles (not an easy feat.....i have a lot of dishes), we've argued over how to put the car seat in the car (i suspect that's not the last of the arguments over the car-seat......for all the good they'll do, they really do take you the brink of marital counseling and back), and so much more. it's been a whirlwind. but a good one. one that has really made us grow as a couple and helped us to see what is really important.

i've cried a lot tears over our birth parents. something that's really taken me by surprise but has felt so good. i worry so intensely for them because i dread their hurt knowing it is ultimately our joy. i know they are making the best decision, the most fair decision for this little girl, and i wouldn't have it any other way. but i understand the bitter sweetness that our social worker warned us about. i remember sitting in my adoption classes thinking that all the discussions we were having about that aspect of adoption wouldn't apply to me.....it was too touchy for me. now, i can't imagine someone not feeling this way. it weighs so heavy on our hearts.

i can't wait to bring our little girl home and have her be ours and call her our daughter. i can't wait to be up at night with her and be able to say the next day that my daughter kept me up. i can't wait to watch chris hold her and kiss her. i can't wait for my parents to have a grand-child and for chris's parents to have a grand-daughter. i can't wait until she gets older and i can do amazing projects with her like my mom did with me.....ones that involve a lot of glitter. i can't wait for chris to teach her how to stand in a river and catch a fish. i can't wait until she begs to spend the weekend with aunt ellen and then convince her that living with mom and dad is as cool as living in a loft in downtown chicago. i can't wait for all those things. but.....i have to get through this hospital experience first and it scares us so much. we need the right words and the strength. i know it will come--god gives us those things when we don't have them on our own. it's the unknown that is scary.

we are so excited to post a blog entry that lets you know that we're on the way to the hospital.....i'd love it to be tonight! i don't think we'll get that lucky though. so......in the mean-time here are a few pictures of our nursery and one fabulous little sweatshirt that my sister glitterized......one of many! "gigi" is ellen's nickname of choice for georgia. yes.....we finally decided.......georgia elyse will be this little miracles name! (thanks for your votes.)