coming home.....

today is the day that we bring georgia home. we're heading to the hospital at 12:30 this afternoon. we don't know how long we'll be there. could be an hour, could be three hours.....it just all depends on how this good-bye goes for our birth mom. i remember all those adoption classes i sat through in november where i heard about how hard this day is and how as an adoptive mom you just feel sick for the pain of the birth mom and i thought....not us....we'll just be excited to bring her home.....this morning, i feel sick with worry. i feel like the weight of this assignment to raise georgia is so heavy because i'm not just doing it for us but for the four of us. they've given us the ultimate sacrifice and we are compelled to do a good job for them......and at this minute, almost more than anything else. i know that emotions will change and when she gets home and i'll start thinking of her as ours.....just ours....but right now it's very difficult and feels almost selfish.

i've had a lot of people tell me that they don't understand how i can feel this way.....she is yours.....it's for the best.....etc., and i know that's true....i really do.....but at this moment.....at 8:30 on sunday morning i feel a little sad....sad that i'm ripping someones heart out and i'm supposed to just walk away. but i know that's what i have to do and i know that it's ultimately what i want to do. i just want to be home.....i want it to be a week from now when, hopefully, some of those crushing feelings will be over. i hope.....but i have learned through this process that just when you feel like you're emotionally safe....you're really not. i suppose though, that that never goes away as a parent.

okay....all those sad feelings are out.....i have a hard time with emotion in real life--so this blog has really helped me be able to communicate what i'm feeling without having to always verbalize it in the moment......a perfect candidate for a psychologists couch? absolutely. i've come to grips with that a long time ago!

but....the best part.....we got to see georgia yesterday for the first time. what a perfect little person. she is warm and snuggly and feels so good to hold. she makes cute little noises when you feed her. she has long fingers and toes. she smells like a baby--a clean one. she has more hair than i've ever seen on a baby. she has her birth-moms lips and her birth-dads nose. she's perfect. a few pictures to prove it......