hard work with a smile to go.....

my mom asked me if i forgot that i had a blog a few weeks ago. the answer is no. and i've thought about all of you out there in blog world a lot and thought about how i hadn't posted anything in a while and i truly am sorry. i've been wracking my brain with something meaningful and amazing to write about georgia and our story as it stands right now and i just haven't been able to think of anything like that. you know......she's not walking, she's not loving being on a schedule (so i have nothing to brag about), she hasn't complimented me on her super cool nursery yet, she hasn't begged to go to marshall's (although, i think i can see the desire in her eyes), and she isn't even sitting up yet. so......what to write about????

i've been reading this fantastic book called 'cold tangerines.' it's the style of writing that i love and it makes you want to know the author. she makes everything that she does sound exciting (a skill that i've always thought hair dressers have as well......i know, you don't get it.....anyway) even though i know in her day to day life she probably doesn't really feel like that but it's a good example to me to look at things that i'm going through as possible writing topics, things that others can learn from, things that i can learn from, and things that celebrate the life and moments i've been given even if in the midst of them i want to rip my hair out, swear (sometimes i do), wish back my old life when i didn't have this huge responsibility and i could just go to the beach or out to lunch whenever i wanted, or just stay in my pajamas all day wishing it was raining so i didn't feel guilty that i was in my pajamas all day.

so.......i'll be honest.......georgia has been a bit of a struggle lately. she fights going to bed at night with the same amount of force that i'd hope a p.o.w. would have if being asked to share all of america's nuclear secrets. before you ask.....we've tried everything: really good naps so she's not over-tired, not sleeping too close to bed time, not keeping her up more than three hours at a time, really good feedings--packing on those calories during the day, good mental stimulation, creating a cozy environment as we get ready for bed that is dark and peaceful, reading some good books about hippos with belly buttons and caterpillars that eat sausage, watching for those elusive sleep signs, letting her cry for fifteen minutes and then comforting with some shushing and loving--sans picking up of course so she doesn't think she's going to get out of bed, vacuum cleaner noise, classical music, vibration, and of course a little extra food when all else fails. but alas, it's taken three hours the last two nights to get her to bed. by ten in the evening her eyes are such little slits because she's so tired that she can't hardly focus on anything when i give her some love. and then finally, at some point around three to four hours she gives up and is the best little sleeper in the world. but why the fight? why the fight?

so it's these moments when i think, "i can't do this." "why did i do this?" "i know that other moms are lying when they say their kids just lay down and go to sleep and i can't stand them for lying." "what is wrong with chris that he can't put his water glass in the dishwasher?" "why can't my dresser ever just stay dusted?" you know.....all those irrational thoughts that any other day are no big deal, but at ten at night after a three hour screamathon they can send you into a rage.

and then..........

in a last ditch effort to figure out what is wrong with georgia i change her for the umpteenth time and through her sleep deprived slit eyes she still smiles at me and i think, "i love you, i love you, i love you. "