a little trip down (blog) memory lane....

while i know that i've slowed down a bit on the blog entries as of late, writing about georgia and our little corner of the world is never far from my mind, never, i promise you! i have been contemplating a new little venture in the writing realm. i've noticed that in all of the parenting magazines i've avidly been reading looking for advice on everything from napping to arranged marriages there is nothing, absolutely nothing on adoptions. (now watch, next month there will be countless articles about this topic....august is probably national celebrate adoption month and no one ever told me).

so, i believe that this lack of information on adoptions is a huge problem in these magazines. a lot of people adopt, whether domestically or internationally, whether you know their children are adopted or not. and.......a lot of people are looking to adopt. they might already have a child and are having a hard time conceiving a second one, they might be yearning for their first, they might have a desire to adopt because of something in their past, they might have a passion for hard to place children, whatever the reason there are a lot of people with a lot of questions about adoption. how to start, where to start, domestic or international, open or closed, infant or toddler, and on and on and it takes a lot of persistence on their part to figure this out because it's a very guarded topic and not very prevalent in the dialogue of magazines, books, or even on talk-shows (not even my fave kathie lee is talking about it.....and for that she disappoints me....but only that).

my point? i'm going to be hammering hard on the editors of all these magazines to let me write an article on my journey of adoption for them. i wrote a rough, ROUGH, version this morning in between all my domesticated blissfulness (laundry, cat litter, cleaning the bathtub that i'd neglected for two months, sterilizing nipples--my dad calls it making nipple soup--, dusting, etc.). chris read it tonight and said it was too formal....it wasn't conversational like my writing usually is and that's what it needs to be. he says i need to include portions of my past blog entries so that the editors really know me. so, i started looking back at old entries and it just really blew me away to re-read some of the emotions and feelings and thoughts we've been through in the past nine months. a lot has happened. i thought i'd re-share a few of them with you. it's pretty amazing to read from the beginning and now how it ends.......



--october 4. 2008--

soon, we hope, we'll adopt a baby. so, we're in the middle of applications, finger-printing, credit checks, doctor's referrals, home inspections, pet vaccinations (yes. you read that right), classes, and essay questions--you know-- just the normal stuff that all expectant parents and FBI hopefuls go through. we are thrilled to share this journey with all of you and are so thankful you're willing to take it with us! exciting things are in store.



--october 26. 2008--
i've always loved the words contrived and convoluted....strollers are a perfect match! could there be more, let's be honest, CRAP, attached to strollers? i know, i know--all you moms will tell me how great it is to have a cup holder big enough for your big gulp sized cup of coffee and a cavern large enough to hold a small adult in the bottom of the stroller but i'm really just looking for something simple to shuttle a baby in from a to b without having to take a xanax and work up a sweat trying to unfold the thing. a few pictures that don't really capture the hilarity of the evening.....as one of the salesmen said...."you really just need to find a stroller that you don't feel like breaking when you use it."


--december 16.2008--

i really can't say enough positive things about catholic social services at this point in the process. they've worked hard to make this open and honest and most importantly to me....something really intimate.....something that really feels special and life-changing. they aren't just checking boxes off on a sheet of procedures....they really have gotten to know us and pushed us to think about why we believe what we do about adoption, what we're looking for, what we see in our future, and so much more.

we hope everyone has such a merry christmas..........we're excited to celebrate with family. it could quite possibly be the last one without our new addition....which in a way could be kind of sad since my mom has always threatened to end christmas stockings once we had kids.......she'll reconsider.......right mom?



--january 7. 2009--

we're patiently awaiting our home-study to be finished. we haven't received the report in the mail yet. once we do and "sign-off" on it we'll be officially on the "list" and then i'll really feel the pressure to get this book in. but, we have nothing going on tonight....it's snowing like crazy, i'm making a pot of chili, chris is watching some really interesting cop/prison in-mate/how to remove fish hooks from your hands/how things are made/gang activity in antarctica/mating rituals of llama's, etc. television so i'm hoping to accomplish a lot.

--january 25.2009--

our home study report is still not officially filed...BUT...the reason that this book will be turned in tomorrow is that we received an e-mail from our social worker on monday requesting that i bring our book down if possible by tomorrow, the 26th, because there is a couple that she's very interested in showing our book to.

they are due in march.they are due in march. they are due in march. those are five crazy words that don't really have any finality for us....as of right now. but they could. and that has really gotten us thinking this week about how real what we are doing is. when we started this process at the end of september that's all it was....a process....and now we're being confronted with a possible end to that process. not that adoption is ever over....it's our reality forever....but those preliminary hoops, so to speak, could be coming to an end. we'll have to wait and see. the anticipation is so exciting and so very cool....we just can't wait to see how it all plays out!

--february 12.2009--

i told chris that last night, february 11th, i got to do the best thing i've ever done besides marrying him. it's a night that we will remember for the rest of our lives.....we met our birth parents.

***********

we'll be seeing them again soon...getting to know them better. this adoption journey will never be over for us....but we've come to absolutely crave it and are so excited to see what else it has to offer. it has changed so many of our opinions about how adoptions work and what "normal" means and what "best for kids" means and how excited we are to build our family. and.....that won't be far in the future.because on march 16th....our little girl is due.

--february 21.2009--

we really, really love these birth parents. i love kids their age....i spend every day with them.....and it breaks my heart to know that they will be going through pain in a few short weeks. while i'm so desperate to bring this baby home it is crushing to know how much this will hurt on their end. all through our adoption classes our social workers told us that bringing an adopted baby home from the hospital is incredible....so wonderful....and at the same time your heart absolutely breaks for the birth parents. i never thought it would be this true...probably because i never expected to feel the way that i do about them. pray that god would give chris and i, the birth parents, and their parents the strength and wisdom we'll need in the coming weeks and months......and years.

--march 14. 2009--

our due date is monday....the 16th. it seems crazy that five weeks have passed since we first got that long awaited call from our social worker telling us that there was a couple who wanted to meet us. i remember thinking at that time that there was no way we could be ready for a baby in five weeks. but......our friends, family,co-workers, vendors on my much adored etsy.com, and one really cheap painter have been truly amazing in showering us with gifts and being willing to rush jobs for us.

this little girl is going to be so loved. in looking back over the past five weeks i don't think i would have wanted much more time than we've had. the waiting is too hard and seems so long as we get closer and closer to the due date. this five weeks has been the longest wait we've had in this five year journey. it's so strange to think of all the life we've lived in the last five weeks.

we've met with our birth parents and their parents four different times, we've had two baby showers, we've put together a nursery, we've hung out with all of our family members, i've trained a long-term sub for my classroom at school, we've read a book together on getting your baby on a schedule, i cleaned out a drawer in our kitchen for bottles (not an easy feat.....i have a lot of dishes), we've argued over how to put the car seat in the car (i suspect that's not the last of the arguments over the car-seat......for all the good they'll do, they really do take you the brink of marital counseling and back), and so much more. it's been a whirlwind. but a good one. one that has really made us grow as a couple and helped us to see what is really important.

--march 19.2009--

we got the call. the one that right before i went to bed i said we'd never get.....she's on her way. it was my birth mom......laughing. she said she really couldn't talk so i should talk to her mom. her mom said she was feeling pretty good....the good stuff was really kicking in and they were ready to start pushing any minute now. they'll call when she's born.

--march 20.2009--

georgia elyse terryn....
born this morning at 6:35.8 lbs. 2 ozs.perfect.a headful of brown hair.we'll see her later today.we'll let everyone know and post pictures.we can't believe it.thank you everyone for everything.we love you.and her the most.

love

just a quick note tonight. georgia had a rough night going to sleep this evening. she's honestly had three fantastic nights in a row and i know they were because she had good naps during the day. today.....not so much. anyway.....she was exhausted, rubbing those little eyes, big yawns, and so upset about everything. we read some books together, got into her jammies, and had some tasty soy similac but those didn't produce a sleeping baby. we had a lot of crying, shushing, falling asleep in my arms only to wake upon being put in bed, etc. etc. but the point of this quick little entry is to say that the love i have for this little girl is so huge and getting huger.....in the midst of her crying and screaming and fighting sleep she'll turn her head and smile at me through tears. it makes me cry when she does that because in her little three month old state she still wants to smile at me and tell me that she loves me, depends on me, needs me, and thinks the world of her mommy.

a mommy who is often so quick to get frustrated with her and think in my "i don't know what else to do" state that she must be doing this on purpose to make me mad. i know that's not true in that moment when she smiles at me and it builds a stronger perspective in me of what it means to be a mom. this little life i've been given to nurture and develop.....and i only get this one chance. i only get one chance at her fourteenth week, fifteenth week, and each day.....i only get them once.........so, i want to start each day by asking myself what i'm going to do today to make this a great 104th day of her life and the next day a great 105th day?

i'm not so myopic that i don't know there will be lots of bad days, more frustrating days, days that i want to and probably will throw in the towel, but through it all, i want to remember that little smile.....that little smile through tears.....that little smile that tells me that georgia loves her mommy.

hard work with a smile to go.....

my mom asked me if i forgot that i had a blog a few weeks ago. the answer is no. and i've thought about all of you out there in blog world a lot and thought about how i hadn't posted anything in a while and i truly am sorry. i've been wracking my brain with something meaningful and amazing to write about georgia and our story as it stands right now and i just haven't been able to think of anything like that. you know......she's not walking, she's not loving being on a schedule (so i have nothing to brag about), she hasn't complimented me on her super cool nursery yet, she hasn't begged to go to marshall's (although, i think i can see the desire in her eyes), and she isn't even sitting up yet. so......what to write about????

i've been reading this fantastic book called 'cold tangerines.' it's the style of writing that i love and it makes you want to know the author. she makes everything that she does sound exciting (a skill that i've always thought hair dressers have as well......i know, you don't get it.....anyway) even though i know in her day to day life she probably doesn't really feel like that but it's a good example to me to look at things that i'm going through as possible writing topics, things that others can learn from, things that i can learn from, and things that celebrate the life and moments i've been given even if in the midst of them i want to rip my hair out, swear (sometimes i do), wish back my old life when i didn't have this huge responsibility and i could just go to the beach or out to lunch whenever i wanted, or just stay in my pajamas all day wishing it was raining so i didn't feel guilty that i was in my pajamas all day.

so.......i'll be honest.......georgia has been a bit of a struggle lately. she fights going to bed at night with the same amount of force that i'd hope a p.o.w. would have if being asked to share all of america's nuclear secrets. before you ask.....we've tried everything: really good naps so she's not over-tired, not sleeping too close to bed time, not keeping her up more than three hours at a time, really good feedings--packing on those calories during the day, good mental stimulation, creating a cozy environment as we get ready for bed that is dark and peaceful, reading some good books about hippos with belly buttons and caterpillars that eat sausage, watching for those elusive sleep signs, letting her cry for fifteen minutes and then comforting with some shushing and loving--sans picking up of course so she doesn't think she's going to get out of bed, vacuum cleaner noise, classical music, vibration, and of course a little extra food when all else fails. but alas, it's taken three hours the last two nights to get her to bed. by ten in the evening her eyes are such little slits because she's so tired that she can't hardly focus on anything when i give her some love. and then finally, at some point around three to four hours she gives up and is the best little sleeper in the world. but why the fight? why the fight?

so it's these moments when i think, "i can't do this." "why did i do this?" "i know that other moms are lying when they say their kids just lay down and go to sleep and i can't stand them for lying." "what is wrong with chris that he can't put his water glass in the dishwasher?" "why can't my dresser ever just stay dusted?" you know.....all those irrational thoughts that any other day are no big deal, but at ten at night after a three hour screamathon they can send you into a rage.

and then..........

in a last ditch effort to figure out what is wrong with georgia i change her for the umpteenth time and through her sleep deprived slit eyes she still smiles at me and i think, "i love you, i love you, i love you. "

magic butt cream, mother's day, a day in the life....

yes....that's actually the name of a real-life prescription medication that georgia is now using. i know all you experienced moms know about it.....but this is something that i would have found funny before i entered the world of baby. i'm hoping that it does work some magic on her little butt because it needs it. this wicked diaper rash showed up essentially over night and i cringe every time i see it only imagining what it must feel like. i marvel at her courage as she never screams or even utters anything more than a little coo when i change her diaper and apply this magical butt cream....that as of three applications still has not produced anything magical. i think she must be one little brave girl.....a much higher pain tolerance than her mama. (and i know.....this picture is amazing.....she loves to purse those perfect little lips while she sleeps....which she doesn't like to do much.....except at night.....we have one of those babies who slept eight hours at night starting at five weeks......but that means we.....and by we i mean georgia.....throw a fit when it comes time to take a nap during the day. sometimes i don't know which is better? my doctor said it sounds like i just have a very strong willed baby. hmmmm, imagine that.....me with a strong willed baby......what's that about nature vs. nurture?)

so sunday was my first mother's day ever. a bit surreal to think that on this day that i've celebrated forever for my own mom and grandma i was also going to be a mom. it's still hard to think of myself as a mom because for so long i've defined myself as a teacher.....mrs. terryn and chris terryn's wife. and i know that i still am and as much as i couldn't wait to be a mom it is hard to accept a new label when you feel like you're letting go of another one. a cool thing happened on sunday though that made me really feel like a mom....at least georgia's mom. now, i don't think that my mom and sister thought this was that cool....but it gave me some affirmation that i'm doing a good job. and this affirmation actually came from my little georgia peach herself. she's become quite a good little eater....however....she has a strong opinion on who is doing the feeding. and for some reason has started a little protest against eating unless it's her dad or i that are holding the bottle. i always felt helpless when holding someone else's baby because i was that girl that never knew how to talk to babies, hold them, get them to calm down, etc. but....when georgia's in MY arms she eats, calms down, and just recently smiles at me. it made me feel like i really can do this....like i really do offer this mom comfort to her. you always kind of wonder if you'll be able to do that, if you can really nurture and get a baby to fall in love with you. it felt amazing that on, my first mother's day of all days, we came to that reality.

below are a lot of pictures of georgia's first two months that i haven't posted in past entries.....our little cutie is getting so big.....to start are some shots of the shower my girlfriends threw for me here in grand rapids before georgia was born......i've gone to so many showers for these amazing friends and it was such a blessing to go to a shower that was for me....a day that they've all prayed for, for so long, along with their families. they are all truly a gift.

georgia's first suitcase......to head to detroit for a shower at grandma and grandpa's.

another incredible shower at my mom's house....thrown by the GEMS! these jars had so many incredible little treasures in them....all for georgia....and a fun guessing game. thanks mom!

my sister, the amazing, put together these decorations in the entryway.....a tree full of flower hair clip favors and georgia's amazing new glitter girlz G.

making monster cookies for the first time.....a main food group in the gallerini house.

my friend liz had her baby four weeks after georgia was born. we went to visit little emma in the hospital and couldn't resist this comparison shot. i think emma was scared of giant georgia--to be fair to georgia....emma was a few weeks early. they grow so fast!

a disgruntled georgia helping her crazy mom make a thank-you card.

first mom's day!

we're starting to smile.....all the time.

a little play date with some girls from school who've all had babies within a month of each other....us moms thought this picture was more fun than some of the kids.

oh, and p.s.......there have been a few days since starting this post and actually finishing it. the magic butt cream while magical for many was not so for us. instead, we have now been prescribed two more medications to use on her little bum.....they seem to be working.....we'll keep our fingers crossed.

wile e. coyote vs. hello kitty

before i address the title of this entry i am so thrilled to report that monday came and went without incident! things went fantastic on our end as we move along to making georgia officially a terryn and then she too can start a lifetime of explaining how you pronounce her last name. our birth mother came over that afternoon and hung out for a while and as usual we had a great time and talked about how georgia was doing and set up some future dates to get together. it makes me smile as i type this to think about how all of this is and has turned out.

on a totally different note....georgia is doing incredible. i can say that with so much conviction as we've come off a five night stretch of sleeping six to seven hours at a time. i don't know if this is a permanent development but i don't know why she wouldn't want to make it one.....everyone is so much happier as a result!

i had to take her in for her first shot yesterday. oh, the dreaded shots that moms shed tears over. i swore i wasn't going to be one of those moms....and i wasn't....but......it is really sad and i felt so much compassion for her as she had no idea why someone was doing that to her. it made me really feel such compassion for parents of kids who have to undergo immense medical struggles and so many times parents can't explain to their kids why certain things are happening to them. in that moment when they gave her that shot my love meter for her went up just a bit more. it's amazing to me how every day there is one or two or three or fifty more little things that happen that make me love her even more.....makes up for the moments when she's screaming in my ear for forty minutes for no reason that i can figure out!

but....the shots bring me to my title. so.....after the shot they put a band-aid on her little leg. now....i think this is a big deal. this is her first band-aid ever (yes...of course i saved it)! that is significant and kids love band-aids (i know.....i teach middle school students who need band-aids every time they have the hiccups). so what does the nurse whip out? a wile e. coyote band-aid. i thought....seriously? were all the elmer fudd band-aids gone? you don't have a cute girly band-aid? hello kitty? barbie? hannah montana? my sister's response.....didn't they know who georgia was? i think i'll bring my own band-aids next time to seal the deal on the label of crazy mom.

so.....while there isn't a lot new to report in this blog entry i feel like the shots are a significant event. i wouldn't have believed three months ago that i'd be bringing in a little girl for shots. we've come a long way and she has cemented a place in our hearts, our home, and our family.

she is georgia terryn!

a little fear.....

is what i have. warranted, unwarranted.....i don't know. i think warranted because there are some aspects of the adoption process that are not shared by all parents...that's not to say that all parents don't deal with some kind of fear, trepidation, and anxiety about this little person that they are now in charge of, and it's not to say that as parents we don't need to understand that these babies are given to us a a gift from god and they are never really our own, but as our court date for our birth parents gets closer my "crazy" meter goes up.

our birth parents go to court on monday to terminate their parental rights. i have NO reason to think that things won't go smoothly other than the given fears that always exist with an adoption--people changing their minds. on monday night of this week i had a bit of a breakdown and went and stared at georgia in bed for about about a 1/2 hour. i just kept thinking about how much i am in love with this little girl, and all the imaginings i have about her future and what our relationship will be like......the thought of her not being with us as her parents knocks the wind out of me. eventually i went to bed and was able to put it out of my mind for a bit.

i went to a friends house on tuesday and then headed out to do some errands. while i was out our birth mom's mom (does that make sense?) called and left a message on my answering machine that she was in the area and wanted to stop by if it was okay. i called her back when i got home and she was already home and couldn't get out again. but, we started talking about georgia and how she now weighs 10 1/2 pounds, how strong she's getting, and some pictures that i'd sent to them. i love talking to this woman. i have so much respect for her as a mom and think she's incredibly wise and reflective. towards the end of the conversation she asked if i knew that they had a court date for monday. i said i did. she asked if i was nervous about it. i paused for a minute and then just decided to be honest. she told me she completely understood and if the situation was reversed she'd probably feel the same way....but she wanted to assure me that there was nothing to be nervous about....this is their firm decision and they know it's best for everyone involved, especially georgia.

when we hung up i thought about the timing of that phone call in relationship to my fears the night before. i know it wasn't a coincidence--she's never called me out of the blue of like that--it was god's way of comforting me at that moment. i'll be honest....it hasn't taken all the fear away completely because i'm a doubter and a worrier and i can create a thousand scenarios in my head as to how something could go wrong....but it was a pocket of time that made me feel confident and know that god was watching out for me......and my mental state.

georgia continues to do so well. she's a fantastic baby and we love her so much. i think she gets about ten thousand kisses a day on her cheeks and her feet....she just looks at me like i'm crazy. every once in a while she makes one of those baby cooing sounds that i know will become more and more frequent as she gets older and i just can't wait to see what her little personality is going to be like. we love to watch her sleep because she makes the craziest noises and facial expressions (i know....everyone's baby does....but somehow when it's yours you think it's original and no other baby has ever done that). she's amazing.

here are a few shots we've taken of her in the last few days....this first one was after a bath....this girl's got hair! the second one with my mom is georgia staring at our ceiling fan....her favorite. and the last one is georgia asleep on chris's chest.

some things i love.....

georgia will be three weeks old tomorrow.

so crazy to think that she's been a part of our lives for three weeks. we're learning her little facial expressions, what all of her little noises mean, that when she makes a loud gasping sound she's fine and that we don't need to run into her room, and that we love her like crazy. there is always this moment in the middle of the night when i go to pick her up out of her bed that i feel this overwhelming emotion for her. she looks so cute all wrapped up like a burrito with just her little face poking out of her blanket and i can't help but kiss her all over before i feed her (and then it dawns on me that it's three in the morning and i'm really tired).

becoming parents has been fantastic.....the good outweighs the hard but there are definitely things about it that you can just never prepare for. it's this never-ending cycle of work and guessing or preparing for what she'll need next. it's constantly counting out the hours of your day figuring out how the time that i want to meet people for lunch will fit into her schedule. it's forcing myself to go to bed early so that i can get a reasonable amount of sleep. it's doing more laundry than i've ever done in my life. it's giving up independence and a job that i loved with all my heart. but.......despite all these things there are so many that i love......so many that over-shadow the parts that i think are hard.....i thought i'd make a list of them for you.........

i love......

-when georgia raises her arm in the air like she has a question

-when georgia purses her lips into a little pucker like she wants to kiss you

-when georgia won't move her hands out of her mouth even though she's screaming for food
-when georgia sleeps on chris's chest

-when georgia looks me straight in the eye when i'm feeding her

-when georgia won't stop wiggling around so i can change her

-when georgia raises her eyebrows like she's skeptical of what you're about to do

-when georgia smiles....i say she's smiling even though others attribute that smile to something else

-when georgia lets me kiss the bottoms of her feet because they are the softest things in the world

-when georgia sleeps on her tummy and sticks her little bottom up in the air

-when georgia falls asleep while i'm trying to burp her or give her a bath

-when georgia waves her arms like she's directing traffic

and....

-i love that georgia is our daughter and that we get to shape the little girl that she turns into.....

here are just a few pictures of the three of us that my friend lisa took......i'll post a slide-show of our entire shoot soon!