every night.....

after georgia has been sleeping for a couple of hours, and i'm about to go to bed, i go in and check on her for the twentieth time since she went to sleep. but, because i know it's the last time i'll come into her room until the morning, this time i always touch her hand and let her sleepy fingers curl around mine. they are perfect and feel so good. like my little girl's hands. the same hands that have been pushing mine away all day when i try to wipe her nose, help her put a star puff in her mouth, tie her shoes, try to pull a shirt over her head, put a barrette in her hair, buckle her car seat, all the things that she should be objecting to at this age. but, in her sleep, in her cozy bed, she knows that i am her mommy and she holds my hand.

sometimes, at random moments throughout the day or week, it strikes me that i am a mom. maybe it seems stranger to me than other moms because it's been so long in coming, there have been times in my life when i wasn't sure i wanted it, or because i didn't really understand how much you could love something so ultimately dependent on you.

i was at a doctor's appointment last week and inevitably i got to have the conversation that i always get to have with anyone who is providing some kind of service for georgia.....the one about her last name and why it's still different and what do you mean she doesn't have a social security number yet, etc. etc. so, i explained to this particular lady the whole adoption "thing" and she smiled and looked at georgia who was smiling at her and said, "what? she's adopted? what kind of mom would want to give her away?"

i was stunned for a moment. i'd never heard that one (hope i never do again to be frank). i just stared at the woman who in that moment didn't seem as nice and cheerful as she had two minutes before. i said, "wow. i don't really know how to answer that." she instantly realized she'd said the wrong thing and then proceeded to back pedal with many weak attempts to say something nice; all the while just making it worse. i finally just interrupted with, "it's fine. where were the bathrooms again?"

but that question really made me think. the answer to her question was 'no one.' no one WANTED to give georgia away. they knew it was the right thing to do for georgia, and yes, for themselves too since they were young and had a lot of life and growing up left to do. but the right thing doesn't always equate to WANTED. the right thing is frequently hard, and painful, and devastating, but it doesn't mean it's any less right. struggles make us better. the right thing often means struggles.

i've been thinking a lot about my birth parents lately and that choice that they made and how the first few times we saw them after georgia was born i wondered if they ever second guessed their decision; they wanted to see her a lot. i'm sure they might have. every decision, easy and hard, comes with second guessing. we saw them frequently throughout the summer and early fall. i could tell when i told some people about it they felt like maybe i was being risky, it was too much, they didn't understand.

i got it. i would have been much less empathetic to someone else doing what i was doing before i lived it. however, one of the things that i learned while going through this adoption is that at the beginning the open-ness factor isn't about you, it's about them. it's helping them heal. helping them understand that what they did was good. reinforcing their positive behavior. i know it worked. i know my birth-parents, my birth mom especially (i see her more) are healing. i know she's doing fantastic. she's told me, her mom has told me and i can see it in her. and the reason i really know she's doing great.....i don't get to see her as often as i used to because she doesn't ask to come over as much anymore

what's funny though, and i didn't expect this, is that there is a little part of me that doesn't want our visits to become less frequent because i really like her. i know it means a good thing. i know it means she's living the life she's supposed to, she's vibrant and happy, well-adjusted, and is a "normal" teenage girl. i don't think she would have gotten "there" if she hadn't been able to see georgia as much as she did, to help confirm her decision.

so, in an answer to the lady at the doctor's office who asked, "what kind of mom would give her up?" my response to her should have been, "a selfless one. one that made the harder decision. one that made the best decision for georgia. one that knew she was not ready to provide a stable family for the little girl she was carrying. one that knew she had a lot more to learn before she was ready to be a mom. one that will one day be a great mom to her own kids."

and every night when georgia's fingers curl around mine i thank god that my birth mom is the kind of 'mom' that she is.

these are just the rambling thoughts i've been having lately on this whole big journey of adoption. we're about to be done with the actual 'adoption' phase of this journey when it comes to being georgia's parents. she will offically be georgia elyse terryn on december 17th. we have our final court date. it's adoption day in kent county that day. it will be a fantastic celebration with lots of other families who are completing their adoptions too. we can't wait!

and so i return....

another cute bath shot!












future fisher-woman.....i predict mornings in the river
with her dad!

















getting ready for a neighborhood grill-out.














g's favorite spot to watch me get ready in the morning.













some early morning peek-a-boo.




















love this shot of my mom reading to georgia
at the cottage.....early morning light is fantastic!















i really have no good reason for my apparent hiatus from blogging....just life i suppose. however, i thought that georgia turning six months old was as good a reason as any to resume. you see....in the world of domestic adoptions six months is a milestone. it marks the end of our supervision period. our social worker can now file a report with the state where she recommends georgia's permanent placement in our home and that the adoption be finalized--thus officially making her "georgia elyse terryn."


it's hard to believe that six months have come and gone. i think anyone with a six month old, 1 year old, 10 year old, 20 year old, and as my mom has, a 32 year old feels this way. i love to look at pictures of her from the week we brought her home and then where she is right now. how amazing that the little girl we brought home on march 22nd who couldn't do anything can now smile, laugh so hard at her daddy i think she's going to start crying, sit up on her own, grab for toys, hold a bottle on her own, devour baby food, and so much more. georgia is amazing.

i was reminded today how amazing i think this whole journey has been. i was watching the today show detail a very strange story in which a couple from michigan had frozen embryos left over from a past fertility treatment. those embryos, unbeknownst to anyone, were implanted into another woman. the mistake was not caught until about fourteen weeks ago....the baby is due in two. the mistake is now evident and both families are working through how to deal with this terrible mistake. obviously, the biological parents will bring the baby home; it's a little boy. however, the "birth" mom so-to-speak will be left in pieces, not bringing home a baby that she thought was hers.


it's not an adoption story. but it's so similar. one lady will get the baby she's wanted. one lady will go home with nothing. i don't think the today show did a good job of capturing her story. she is the hero in this story. she will suffer the most. when i hear things like this i am just constantly reminded how indebted i am to our birth parents. they gave us a gift that we couldn't even comprehend how much we'd love. i mean, sure, every parent knows they're going to love their child beyond words, but do they really know? i don't think they really do. i know i didn't. and i know that birth moms don't know how hard it's really going to be to hand over that baby. i know georgia's didn't until she actually did it. until she put georgia in her car seat in the hosptial room, kissed her goodbye, and completely entrusted her to chris and i--that's when she knew how hard it was going to be.


we are so grateful for georgia. we love her more than anything in the world. she's changed our lives forever. she's the best thing we've ever done. the best.

march 22....july 16.....

two days. almost four months apart. march 22 is the day that we did a 'hand off' with our birth parents in their hospital room. i don't know if you watched the episode of 16 and pregnant on mtv that i blogged about yesterday....if you did you know what i'm talking about.....if you didn't go to mtv's website, download it and watch it.

so.....two dates, four months apart and every single detail of that day is fresh in my memory like it was yesterday. i'll always remember what my birth mom was wearing, the cool belt my birth dad was wearing that we joked about with him in the hallway, and putting georgia in that car seat in the hospital room and walking away with her. sobbing. and they're not happy tears--at all. they're because you hurt for these amazing kids who in that moment are some of the best parents in the world because they have the infinite wisdom to know what is best for their child even though it is ripping out their heart.

watching this show brought it all back and i'm so glad. i don't have my 'hand off' on tape like these families do....i wish i did....it makes you appreciate what you have. chris and i watched this crying....almost as hard as we did on march 22nd. adoption is so hard and so great.

what is so incredibly amazing about the couple in this episode is that their parents didn't support them at all and didn't know how to love like their kids did. but....they did what they knew was best anyway.

chris and i are for open adoption. we weren't always.....probably not until we met our birth parents. georgia sees her birth parents and birth grandparents regularly. they come here, we go there. we love them. they love georgia. georgia will know who they are and how much all of us love her; her birth family and her adopted family--both immediate and extended. when i watched the kids in this episode putting together a scrap book for their daughter, writing her a letter, taking pictures with her--i was thrilled for this little girl. she'll always know how much her birth parents loved her....just like georgia. enough to give her a life that they couldn't provide her with because they were just kids too.

if you take one thing from this show i hope that it's how incredible birth parents are. i know that not everyone who completes an adoption has the same amazing circumstances that god has given to chris and i, and if we do it again it might look totally different too. but....no matter who birth parents are; where they come from, their family situation, their age, etc. they are incredible people. they should be celebrated and celebrated. they are selfless.

i don't really have a lot more words right now....i feel like i just came home from the hospital with georgia in this numb state and puffy eyes from crying and am rambling a little bit. i just wanted to write while the show was fresh in my mind.

thanks mtv. i think this might be one of the best things you've ever done.

16 and pregnant......

two entries in the same month....my sister must be peeing her pants. but, i had to blog about (i don't think i've used that term before and it makes me feel like a legitimate "blogger") this show on mtv. i don't know if you've seen it......16 and pregnant. i happened upon it.....okay, that's a lie--i watch a lot of mtv so i saw the previews and tuned in. anyway, it's mostly a very depressing show that makes me cry a lot because i can't believe these poor babies that end up being born are subjected to life with these teenagers that have no idea what to do with a baby and use the babies to get back at each other. it really is so heart-breaking and every time i watch it i am more and more grateful to my birth parents and their amazing parents for helping them to make the decision that they did, sticking by it, and constantly affirming what a perfect decision it was.

chris and i have often wondered why mtv hasn't had any episodes where the couples decide to give their baby up for adoption. it just confirms for me how much we need educational programs in this country that not only teach kids and their parents about "safe" sex and abstinence but what to do with a baby once you are pregnant.......adoption vs. struggling to raise a baby when you're 16.....the lack of readily available information to kids is frankly appalling to me. but......there is going to be an episode on this thursday night about two kids who do make the decision to give their baby up for adoption.

the previews alone make me cry because they bring me back to the night we first met our birth parents in a little room at catholic social services and fell in love with them. the shots they show really hit close to home and i don't think i'll ever lose the clarity of what it was like to live in those moments--they are still so fresh five months later and i wouldn't have it any other way because they were some of the best and most heart-wrenching moments of my life. when i watch the looks on the adoptive parents faces and see the birth mom tear up it just............i don't have words. watch the preview......and watch the show tomorrow at ten on mtv. i think it will be hard to watch, especially having gone through it. i don't know how the episode ends......good or bad.....but i think it'll be worth watching. i put the link below to watch the preview.

http://www.mtv.com/videos/misc/408455/better-for-my-baby.jhtml#id=1615135

and here......are some pictures of an adorable little girl that is growing up too fast!








































georgia feel asleep in a chair at a baby shower for
my about to be nieces......a sheer miracle!














getting a pedicure!














ahhhh---the frowny---so glad i got a picture of this.....
it's one of the last times she did it!








































trying to escape from the evil crib!




























with uncle bill in her cool hat from the farmers market
that grammy m bought for her!

a little trip down (blog) memory lane....

while i know that i've slowed down a bit on the blog entries as of late, writing about georgia and our little corner of the world is never far from my mind, never, i promise you! i have been contemplating a new little venture in the writing realm. i've noticed that in all of the parenting magazines i've avidly been reading looking for advice on everything from napping to arranged marriages there is nothing, absolutely nothing on adoptions. (now watch, next month there will be countless articles about this topic....august is probably national celebrate adoption month and no one ever told me).

so, i believe that this lack of information on adoptions is a huge problem in these magazines. a lot of people adopt, whether domestically or internationally, whether you know their children are adopted or not. and.......a lot of people are looking to adopt. they might already have a child and are having a hard time conceiving a second one, they might be yearning for their first, they might have a desire to adopt because of something in their past, they might have a passion for hard to place children, whatever the reason there are a lot of people with a lot of questions about adoption. how to start, where to start, domestic or international, open or closed, infant or toddler, and on and on and it takes a lot of persistence on their part to figure this out because it's a very guarded topic and not very prevalent in the dialogue of magazines, books, or even on talk-shows (not even my fave kathie lee is talking about it.....and for that she disappoints me....but only that).

my point? i'm going to be hammering hard on the editors of all these magazines to let me write an article on my journey of adoption for them. i wrote a rough, ROUGH, version this morning in between all my domesticated blissfulness (laundry, cat litter, cleaning the bathtub that i'd neglected for two months, sterilizing nipples--my dad calls it making nipple soup--, dusting, etc.). chris read it tonight and said it was too formal....it wasn't conversational like my writing usually is and that's what it needs to be. he says i need to include portions of my past blog entries so that the editors really know me. so, i started looking back at old entries and it just really blew me away to re-read some of the emotions and feelings and thoughts we've been through in the past nine months. a lot has happened. i thought i'd re-share a few of them with you. it's pretty amazing to read from the beginning and now how it ends.......



--october 4. 2008--

soon, we hope, we'll adopt a baby. so, we're in the middle of applications, finger-printing, credit checks, doctor's referrals, home inspections, pet vaccinations (yes. you read that right), classes, and essay questions--you know-- just the normal stuff that all expectant parents and FBI hopefuls go through. we are thrilled to share this journey with all of you and are so thankful you're willing to take it with us! exciting things are in store.



--october 26. 2008--
i've always loved the words contrived and convoluted....strollers are a perfect match! could there be more, let's be honest, CRAP, attached to strollers? i know, i know--all you moms will tell me how great it is to have a cup holder big enough for your big gulp sized cup of coffee and a cavern large enough to hold a small adult in the bottom of the stroller but i'm really just looking for something simple to shuttle a baby in from a to b without having to take a xanax and work up a sweat trying to unfold the thing. a few pictures that don't really capture the hilarity of the evening.....as one of the salesmen said...."you really just need to find a stroller that you don't feel like breaking when you use it."


--december 16.2008--

i really can't say enough positive things about catholic social services at this point in the process. they've worked hard to make this open and honest and most importantly to me....something really intimate.....something that really feels special and life-changing. they aren't just checking boxes off on a sheet of procedures....they really have gotten to know us and pushed us to think about why we believe what we do about adoption, what we're looking for, what we see in our future, and so much more.

we hope everyone has such a merry christmas..........we're excited to celebrate with family. it could quite possibly be the last one without our new addition....which in a way could be kind of sad since my mom has always threatened to end christmas stockings once we had kids.......she'll reconsider.......right mom?



--january 7. 2009--

we're patiently awaiting our home-study to be finished. we haven't received the report in the mail yet. once we do and "sign-off" on it we'll be officially on the "list" and then i'll really feel the pressure to get this book in. but, we have nothing going on tonight....it's snowing like crazy, i'm making a pot of chili, chris is watching some really interesting cop/prison in-mate/how to remove fish hooks from your hands/how things are made/gang activity in antarctica/mating rituals of llama's, etc. television so i'm hoping to accomplish a lot.

--january 25.2009--

our home study report is still not officially filed...BUT...the reason that this book will be turned in tomorrow is that we received an e-mail from our social worker on monday requesting that i bring our book down if possible by tomorrow, the 26th, because there is a couple that she's very interested in showing our book to.

they are due in march.they are due in march. they are due in march. those are five crazy words that don't really have any finality for us....as of right now. but they could. and that has really gotten us thinking this week about how real what we are doing is. when we started this process at the end of september that's all it was....a process....and now we're being confronted with a possible end to that process. not that adoption is ever over....it's our reality forever....but those preliminary hoops, so to speak, could be coming to an end. we'll have to wait and see. the anticipation is so exciting and so very cool....we just can't wait to see how it all plays out!

--february 12.2009--

i told chris that last night, february 11th, i got to do the best thing i've ever done besides marrying him. it's a night that we will remember for the rest of our lives.....we met our birth parents.

***********

we'll be seeing them again soon...getting to know them better. this adoption journey will never be over for us....but we've come to absolutely crave it and are so excited to see what else it has to offer. it has changed so many of our opinions about how adoptions work and what "normal" means and what "best for kids" means and how excited we are to build our family. and.....that won't be far in the future.because on march 16th....our little girl is due.

--february 21.2009--

we really, really love these birth parents. i love kids their age....i spend every day with them.....and it breaks my heart to know that they will be going through pain in a few short weeks. while i'm so desperate to bring this baby home it is crushing to know how much this will hurt on their end. all through our adoption classes our social workers told us that bringing an adopted baby home from the hospital is incredible....so wonderful....and at the same time your heart absolutely breaks for the birth parents. i never thought it would be this true...probably because i never expected to feel the way that i do about them. pray that god would give chris and i, the birth parents, and their parents the strength and wisdom we'll need in the coming weeks and months......and years.

--march 14. 2009--

our due date is monday....the 16th. it seems crazy that five weeks have passed since we first got that long awaited call from our social worker telling us that there was a couple who wanted to meet us. i remember thinking at that time that there was no way we could be ready for a baby in five weeks. but......our friends, family,co-workers, vendors on my much adored etsy.com, and one really cheap painter have been truly amazing in showering us with gifts and being willing to rush jobs for us.

this little girl is going to be so loved. in looking back over the past five weeks i don't think i would have wanted much more time than we've had. the waiting is too hard and seems so long as we get closer and closer to the due date. this five weeks has been the longest wait we've had in this five year journey. it's so strange to think of all the life we've lived in the last five weeks.

we've met with our birth parents and their parents four different times, we've had two baby showers, we've put together a nursery, we've hung out with all of our family members, i've trained a long-term sub for my classroom at school, we've read a book together on getting your baby on a schedule, i cleaned out a drawer in our kitchen for bottles (not an easy feat.....i have a lot of dishes), we've argued over how to put the car seat in the car (i suspect that's not the last of the arguments over the car-seat......for all the good they'll do, they really do take you the brink of marital counseling and back), and so much more. it's been a whirlwind. but a good one. one that has really made us grow as a couple and helped us to see what is really important.

--march 19.2009--

we got the call. the one that right before i went to bed i said we'd never get.....she's on her way. it was my birth mom......laughing. she said she really couldn't talk so i should talk to her mom. her mom said she was feeling pretty good....the good stuff was really kicking in and they were ready to start pushing any minute now. they'll call when she's born.

--march 20.2009--

georgia elyse terryn....
born this morning at 6:35.8 lbs. 2 ozs.perfect.a headful of brown hair.we'll see her later today.we'll let everyone know and post pictures.we can't believe it.thank you everyone for everything.we love you.and her the most.

love

just a quick note tonight. georgia had a rough night going to sleep this evening. she's honestly had three fantastic nights in a row and i know they were because she had good naps during the day. today.....not so much. anyway.....she was exhausted, rubbing those little eyes, big yawns, and so upset about everything. we read some books together, got into her jammies, and had some tasty soy similac but those didn't produce a sleeping baby. we had a lot of crying, shushing, falling asleep in my arms only to wake upon being put in bed, etc. etc. but the point of this quick little entry is to say that the love i have for this little girl is so huge and getting huger.....in the midst of her crying and screaming and fighting sleep she'll turn her head and smile at me through tears. it makes me cry when she does that because in her little three month old state she still wants to smile at me and tell me that she loves me, depends on me, needs me, and thinks the world of her mommy.

a mommy who is often so quick to get frustrated with her and think in my "i don't know what else to do" state that she must be doing this on purpose to make me mad. i know that's not true in that moment when she smiles at me and it builds a stronger perspective in me of what it means to be a mom. this little life i've been given to nurture and develop.....and i only get this one chance. i only get one chance at her fourteenth week, fifteenth week, and each day.....i only get them once.........so, i want to start each day by asking myself what i'm going to do today to make this a great 104th day of her life and the next day a great 105th day?

i'm not so myopic that i don't know there will be lots of bad days, more frustrating days, days that i want to and probably will throw in the towel, but through it all, i want to remember that little smile.....that little smile through tears.....that little smile that tells me that georgia loves her mommy.

hard work with a smile to go.....

my mom asked me if i forgot that i had a blog a few weeks ago. the answer is no. and i've thought about all of you out there in blog world a lot and thought about how i hadn't posted anything in a while and i truly am sorry. i've been wracking my brain with something meaningful and amazing to write about georgia and our story as it stands right now and i just haven't been able to think of anything like that. you know......she's not walking, she's not loving being on a schedule (so i have nothing to brag about), she hasn't complimented me on her super cool nursery yet, she hasn't begged to go to marshall's (although, i think i can see the desire in her eyes), and she isn't even sitting up yet. so......what to write about????

i've been reading this fantastic book called 'cold tangerines.' it's the style of writing that i love and it makes you want to know the author. she makes everything that she does sound exciting (a skill that i've always thought hair dressers have as well......i know, you don't get it.....anyway) even though i know in her day to day life she probably doesn't really feel like that but it's a good example to me to look at things that i'm going through as possible writing topics, things that others can learn from, things that i can learn from, and things that celebrate the life and moments i've been given even if in the midst of them i want to rip my hair out, swear (sometimes i do), wish back my old life when i didn't have this huge responsibility and i could just go to the beach or out to lunch whenever i wanted, or just stay in my pajamas all day wishing it was raining so i didn't feel guilty that i was in my pajamas all day.

so.......i'll be honest.......georgia has been a bit of a struggle lately. she fights going to bed at night with the same amount of force that i'd hope a p.o.w. would have if being asked to share all of america's nuclear secrets. before you ask.....we've tried everything: really good naps so she's not over-tired, not sleeping too close to bed time, not keeping her up more than three hours at a time, really good feedings--packing on those calories during the day, good mental stimulation, creating a cozy environment as we get ready for bed that is dark and peaceful, reading some good books about hippos with belly buttons and caterpillars that eat sausage, watching for those elusive sleep signs, letting her cry for fifteen minutes and then comforting with some shushing and loving--sans picking up of course so she doesn't think she's going to get out of bed, vacuum cleaner noise, classical music, vibration, and of course a little extra food when all else fails. but alas, it's taken three hours the last two nights to get her to bed. by ten in the evening her eyes are such little slits because she's so tired that she can't hardly focus on anything when i give her some love. and then finally, at some point around three to four hours she gives up and is the best little sleeper in the world. but why the fight? why the fight?

so it's these moments when i think, "i can't do this." "why did i do this?" "i know that other moms are lying when they say their kids just lay down and go to sleep and i can't stand them for lying." "what is wrong with chris that he can't put his water glass in the dishwasher?" "why can't my dresser ever just stay dusted?" you know.....all those irrational thoughts that any other day are no big deal, but at ten at night after a three hour screamathon they can send you into a rage.

and then..........

in a last ditch effort to figure out what is wrong with georgia i change her for the umpteenth time and through her sleep deprived slit eyes she still smiles at me and i think, "i love you, i love you, i love you. "