love

just a quick note tonight. georgia had a rough night going to sleep this evening. she's honestly had three fantastic nights in a row and i know they were because she had good naps during the day. today.....not so much. anyway.....she was exhausted, rubbing those little eyes, big yawns, and so upset about everything. we read some books together, got into her jammies, and had some tasty soy similac but those didn't produce a sleeping baby. we had a lot of crying, shushing, falling asleep in my arms only to wake upon being put in bed, etc. etc. but the point of this quick little entry is to say that the love i have for this little girl is so huge and getting huger.....in the midst of her crying and screaming and fighting sleep she'll turn her head and smile at me through tears. it makes me cry when she does that because in her little three month old state she still wants to smile at me and tell me that she loves me, depends on me, needs me, and thinks the world of her mommy.

a mommy who is often so quick to get frustrated with her and think in my "i don't know what else to do" state that she must be doing this on purpose to make me mad. i know that's not true in that moment when she smiles at me and it builds a stronger perspective in me of what it means to be a mom. this little life i've been given to nurture and develop.....and i only get this one chance. i only get one chance at her fourteenth week, fifteenth week, and each day.....i only get them once.........so, i want to start each day by asking myself what i'm going to do today to make this a great 104th day of her life and the next day a great 105th day?

i'm not so myopic that i don't know there will be lots of bad days, more frustrating days, days that i want to and probably will throw in the towel, but through it all, i want to remember that little smile.....that little smile through tears.....that little smile that tells me that georgia loves her mommy.

hard work with a smile to go.....

my mom asked me if i forgot that i had a blog a few weeks ago. the answer is no. and i've thought about all of you out there in blog world a lot and thought about how i hadn't posted anything in a while and i truly am sorry. i've been wracking my brain with something meaningful and amazing to write about georgia and our story as it stands right now and i just haven't been able to think of anything like that. you know......she's not walking, she's not loving being on a schedule (so i have nothing to brag about), she hasn't complimented me on her super cool nursery yet, she hasn't begged to go to marshall's (although, i think i can see the desire in her eyes), and she isn't even sitting up yet. so......what to write about????

i've been reading this fantastic book called 'cold tangerines.' it's the style of writing that i love and it makes you want to know the author. she makes everything that she does sound exciting (a skill that i've always thought hair dressers have as well......i know, you don't get it.....anyway) even though i know in her day to day life she probably doesn't really feel like that but it's a good example to me to look at things that i'm going through as possible writing topics, things that others can learn from, things that i can learn from, and things that celebrate the life and moments i've been given even if in the midst of them i want to rip my hair out, swear (sometimes i do), wish back my old life when i didn't have this huge responsibility and i could just go to the beach or out to lunch whenever i wanted, or just stay in my pajamas all day wishing it was raining so i didn't feel guilty that i was in my pajamas all day.

so.......i'll be honest.......georgia has been a bit of a struggle lately. she fights going to bed at night with the same amount of force that i'd hope a p.o.w. would have if being asked to share all of america's nuclear secrets. before you ask.....we've tried everything: really good naps so she's not over-tired, not sleeping too close to bed time, not keeping her up more than three hours at a time, really good feedings--packing on those calories during the day, good mental stimulation, creating a cozy environment as we get ready for bed that is dark and peaceful, reading some good books about hippos with belly buttons and caterpillars that eat sausage, watching for those elusive sleep signs, letting her cry for fifteen minutes and then comforting with some shushing and loving--sans picking up of course so she doesn't think she's going to get out of bed, vacuum cleaner noise, classical music, vibration, and of course a little extra food when all else fails. but alas, it's taken three hours the last two nights to get her to bed. by ten in the evening her eyes are such little slits because she's so tired that she can't hardly focus on anything when i give her some love. and then finally, at some point around three to four hours she gives up and is the best little sleeper in the world. but why the fight? why the fight?

so it's these moments when i think, "i can't do this." "why did i do this?" "i know that other moms are lying when they say their kids just lay down and go to sleep and i can't stand them for lying." "what is wrong with chris that he can't put his water glass in the dishwasher?" "why can't my dresser ever just stay dusted?" you know.....all those irrational thoughts that any other day are no big deal, but at ten at night after a three hour screamathon they can send you into a rage.

and then..........

in a last ditch effort to figure out what is wrong with georgia i change her for the umpteenth time and through her sleep deprived slit eyes she still smiles at me and i think, "i love you, i love you, i love you. "

magic butt cream, mother's day, a day in the life....

yes....that's actually the name of a real-life prescription medication that georgia is now using. i know all you experienced moms know about it.....but this is something that i would have found funny before i entered the world of baby. i'm hoping that it does work some magic on her little butt because it needs it. this wicked diaper rash showed up essentially over night and i cringe every time i see it only imagining what it must feel like. i marvel at her courage as she never screams or even utters anything more than a little coo when i change her diaper and apply this magical butt cream....that as of three applications still has not produced anything magical. i think she must be one little brave girl.....a much higher pain tolerance than her mama. (and i know.....this picture is amazing.....she loves to purse those perfect little lips while she sleeps....which she doesn't like to do much.....except at night.....we have one of those babies who slept eight hours at night starting at five weeks......but that means we.....and by we i mean georgia.....throw a fit when it comes time to take a nap during the day. sometimes i don't know which is better? my doctor said it sounds like i just have a very strong willed baby. hmmmm, imagine that.....me with a strong willed baby......what's that about nature vs. nurture?)

so sunday was my first mother's day ever. a bit surreal to think that on this day that i've celebrated forever for my own mom and grandma i was also going to be a mom. it's still hard to think of myself as a mom because for so long i've defined myself as a teacher.....mrs. terryn and chris terryn's wife. and i know that i still am and as much as i couldn't wait to be a mom it is hard to accept a new label when you feel like you're letting go of another one. a cool thing happened on sunday though that made me really feel like a mom....at least georgia's mom. now, i don't think that my mom and sister thought this was that cool....but it gave me some affirmation that i'm doing a good job. and this affirmation actually came from my little georgia peach herself. she's become quite a good little eater....however....she has a strong opinion on who is doing the feeding. and for some reason has started a little protest against eating unless it's her dad or i that are holding the bottle. i always felt helpless when holding someone else's baby because i was that girl that never knew how to talk to babies, hold them, get them to calm down, etc. but....when georgia's in MY arms she eats, calms down, and just recently smiles at me. it made me feel like i really can do this....like i really do offer this mom comfort to her. you always kind of wonder if you'll be able to do that, if you can really nurture and get a baby to fall in love with you. it felt amazing that on, my first mother's day of all days, we came to that reality.

below are a lot of pictures of georgia's first two months that i haven't posted in past entries.....our little cutie is getting so big.....to start are some shots of the shower my girlfriends threw for me here in grand rapids before georgia was born......i've gone to so many showers for these amazing friends and it was such a blessing to go to a shower that was for me....a day that they've all prayed for, for so long, along with their families. they are all truly a gift.

georgia's first suitcase......to head to detroit for a shower at grandma and grandpa's.

another incredible shower at my mom's house....thrown by the GEMS! these jars had so many incredible little treasures in them....all for georgia....and a fun guessing game. thanks mom!

my sister, the amazing, put together these decorations in the entryway.....a tree full of flower hair clip favors and georgia's amazing new glitter girlz G.

making monster cookies for the first time.....a main food group in the gallerini house.

my friend liz had her baby four weeks after georgia was born. we went to visit little emma in the hospital and couldn't resist this comparison shot. i think emma was scared of giant georgia--to be fair to georgia....emma was a few weeks early. they grow so fast!

a disgruntled georgia helping her crazy mom make a thank-you card.

first mom's day!

we're starting to smile.....all the time.

a little play date with some girls from school who've all had babies within a month of each other....us moms thought this picture was more fun than some of the kids.

oh, and p.s.......there have been a few days since starting this post and actually finishing it. the magic butt cream while magical for many was not so for us. instead, we have now been prescribed two more medications to use on her little bum.....they seem to be working.....we'll keep our fingers crossed.

wile e. coyote vs. hello kitty

before i address the title of this entry i am so thrilled to report that monday came and went without incident! things went fantastic on our end as we move along to making georgia officially a terryn and then she too can start a lifetime of explaining how you pronounce her last name. our birth mother came over that afternoon and hung out for a while and as usual we had a great time and talked about how georgia was doing and set up some future dates to get together. it makes me smile as i type this to think about how all of this is and has turned out.

on a totally different note....georgia is doing incredible. i can say that with so much conviction as we've come off a five night stretch of sleeping six to seven hours at a time. i don't know if this is a permanent development but i don't know why she wouldn't want to make it one.....everyone is so much happier as a result!

i had to take her in for her first shot yesterday. oh, the dreaded shots that moms shed tears over. i swore i wasn't going to be one of those moms....and i wasn't....but......it is really sad and i felt so much compassion for her as she had no idea why someone was doing that to her. it made me really feel such compassion for parents of kids who have to undergo immense medical struggles and so many times parents can't explain to their kids why certain things are happening to them. in that moment when they gave her that shot my love meter for her went up just a bit more. it's amazing to me how every day there is one or two or three or fifty more little things that happen that make me love her even more.....makes up for the moments when she's screaming in my ear for forty minutes for no reason that i can figure out!

but....the shots bring me to my title. so.....after the shot they put a band-aid on her little leg. now....i think this is a big deal. this is her first band-aid ever (yes...of course i saved it)! that is significant and kids love band-aids (i know.....i teach middle school students who need band-aids every time they have the hiccups). so what does the nurse whip out? a wile e. coyote band-aid. i thought....seriously? were all the elmer fudd band-aids gone? you don't have a cute girly band-aid? hello kitty? barbie? hannah montana? my sister's response.....didn't they know who georgia was? i think i'll bring my own band-aids next time to seal the deal on the label of crazy mom.

so.....while there isn't a lot new to report in this blog entry i feel like the shots are a significant event. i wouldn't have believed three months ago that i'd be bringing in a little girl for shots. we've come a long way and she has cemented a place in our hearts, our home, and our family.

she is georgia terryn!

a little fear.....

is what i have. warranted, unwarranted.....i don't know. i think warranted because there are some aspects of the adoption process that are not shared by all parents...that's not to say that all parents don't deal with some kind of fear, trepidation, and anxiety about this little person that they are now in charge of, and it's not to say that as parents we don't need to understand that these babies are given to us a a gift from god and they are never really our own, but as our court date for our birth parents gets closer my "crazy" meter goes up.

our birth parents go to court on monday to terminate their parental rights. i have NO reason to think that things won't go smoothly other than the given fears that always exist with an adoption--people changing their minds. on monday night of this week i had a bit of a breakdown and went and stared at georgia in bed for about about a 1/2 hour. i just kept thinking about how much i am in love with this little girl, and all the imaginings i have about her future and what our relationship will be like......the thought of her not being with us as her parents knocks the wind out of me. eventually i went to bed and was able to put it out of my mind for a bit.

i went to a friends house on tuesday and then headed out to do some errands. while i was out our birth mom's mom (does that make sense?) called and left a message on my answering machine that she was in the area and wanted to stop by if it was okay. i called her back when i got home and she was already home and couldn't get out again. but, we started talking about georgia and how she now weighs 10 1/2 pounds, how strong she's getting, and some pictures that i'd sent to them. i love talking to this woman. i have so much respect for her as a mom and think she's incredibly wise and reflective. towards the end of the conversation she asked if i knew that they had a court date for monday. i said i did. she asked if i was nervous about it. i paused for a minute and then just decided to be honest. she told me she completely understood and if the situation was reversed she'd probably feel the same way....but she wanted to assure me that there was nothing to be nervous about....this is their firm decision and they know it's best for everyone involved, especially georgia.

when we hung up i thought about the timing of that phone call in relationship to my fears the night before. i know it wasn't a coincidence--she's never called me out of the blue of like that--it was god's way of comforting me at that moment. i'll be honest....it hasn't taken all the fear away completely because i'm a doubter and a worrier and i can create a thousand scenarios in my head as to how something could go wrong....but it was a pocket of time that made me feel confident and know that god was watching out for me......and my mental state.

georgia continues to do so well. she's a fantastic baby and we love her so much. i think she gets about ten thousand kisses a day on her cheeks and her feet....she just looks at me like i'm crazy. every once in a while she makes one of those baby cooing sounds that i know will become more and more frequent as she gets older and i just can't wait to see what her little personality is going to be like. we love to watch her sleep because she makes the craziest noises and facial expressions (i know....everyone's baby does....but somehow when it's yours you think it's original and no other baby has ever done that). she's amazing.

here are a few shots we've taken of her in the last few days....this first one was after a bath....this girl's got hair! the second one with my mom is georgia staring at our ceiling fan....her favorite. and the last one is georgia asleep on chris's chest.

some things i love.....

georgia will be three weeks old tomorrow.

so crazy to think that she's been a part of our lives for three weeks. we're learning her little facial expressions, what all of her little noises mean, that when she makes a loud gasping sound she's fine and that we don't need to run into her room, and that we love her like crazy. there is always this moment in the middle of the night when i go to pick her up out of her bed that i feel this overwhelming emotion for her. she looks so cute all wrapped up like a burrito with just her little face poking out of her blanket and i can't help but kiss her all over before i feed her (and then it dawns on me that it's three in the morning and i'm really tired).

becoming parents has been fantastic.....the good outweighs the hard but there are definitely things about it that you can just never prepare for. it's this never-ending cycle of work and guessing or preparing for what she'll need next. it's constantly counting out the hours of your day figuring out how the time that i want to meet people for lunch will fit into her schedule. it's forcing myself to go to bed early so that i can get a reasonable amount of sleep. it's doing more laundry than i've ever done in my life. it's giving up independence and a job that i loved with all my heart. but.......despite all these things there are so many that i love......so many that over-shadow the parts that i think are hard.....i thought i'd make a list of them for you.........

i love......

-when georgia raises her arm in the air like she has a question

-when georgia purses her lips into a little pucker like she wants to kiss you

-when georgia won't move her hands out of her mouth even though she's screaming for food
-when georgia sleeps on chris's chest

-when georgia looks me straight in the eye when i'm feeding her

-when georgia won't stop wiggling around so i can change her

-when georgia raises her eyebrows like she's skeptical of what you're about to do

-when georgia smiles....i say she's smiling even though others attribute that smile to something else

-when georgia lets me kiss the bottoms of her feet because they are the softest things in the world

-when georgia sleeps on her tummy and sticks her little bottom up in the air

-when georgia falls asleep while i'm trying to burp her or give her a bath

-when georgia waves her arms like she's directing traffic

and....

-i love that georgia is our daughter and that we get to shape the little girl that she turns into.....

here are just a few pictures of the three of us that my friend lisa took......i'll post a slide-show of our entire shoot soon!

one week old today....

so....little miss georgia was born one week ago today. it's crazy to think of all the "life" we've lived in that one week and that will serve as my explanation for why i've fallen a little behind on the blog. she's an amazing little girl and we love her like crazy. it's funny how quickly your "normal" changes and it feels like you've had her in your house forever when it's only been one week. just a quick (maybe not so quick) little run-down on our week's past events......

--last weekend--

we went to the hospital on saturday to see georgia for the first time. it was such a strange thing to go visit our daughter in someone else's hospital room....but she was so loved by everyone in that room that it felt good to know that she was so well-taken care of. the nurses were incredible and supported our birth parents and us so well. one of them even came back on her day off to spend the afternoon with our birth mom; talking about about her decision and why it was such an amazing one. the two of them had really made a connection during the delivery and our birth mom felt very comfortable with her. we got to feed georgia and change her....listen to her scream in anger when we took her clothes off and spend some time with our birth parents and their parents.

i know that a lot of people feel like this journey with our birth parents has been strange.....we've been asked a lot about boundaries and confusion and what if they change their minds and so many other things that we asked ourselves before we got to know them. our adoption agency believes that is best for everyone involved for an adoption to be open. it doesn't feel as manipulative to the birth mom.....like a huge part of her life is just going to get swept under the carpet and forgotten about. it doesn't feel as cruel to the adoptive parents....i know....it sounds strange for me to say that i would ever feel cruel doing this....and at the end of the day....i don't. but when you get to know someone like our birth mom and birth dad and hear how they've come to this decision and what they want for this little girl and know how well they've taken care of her for the past nine months and how they are prepared to have their hearts broken because they know they can never provide for her the life they want her to have.....it hurts so much to see them hurt and it feels cruel to sweep in and take georgia and never let them get to understand how truly great this decision was.

so.....the above is what made sunday so hard. when we went to pick georgia up i told chris that walking into that hospital room was the best and worst thing i've ever done in my life. i can't write a lot about it right now....it's really fresh and makes me cry and i'm a little too tired right now to cry a lot.....but i hugged our birth mom for a while and we cried together and i asked her if she was ready....she said as ready as she'd ever be....i had her put georgia in her car-seat....they both kissed her goodbye and then just turned away from us so we could leave. i've never met two stronger and braver teenagers in my life.......just incredible individuals. i give so much credit to their parents as well who have counseled them so well and so bravely....constantly looking out for what was best for their "babies" and what kind of life they wanted their kids to have.

our social worker told us that we had to give ourselves permission to feel joy in the day....that we had to let go and feel happy for what we were doing. she hoped for us that as soon as we got home that we'd let go. early on in the adoption process our social workers really encouraged us to have a lot of people at the house when we brought our baby home so that it naturally took on a celebratory feeling amidst so much heartache for the birth parents. so we did....it was so much fun to have so many visitors on sunday.....just this incredible parade of people who all had prayed for and already loved georiga.....it felt like a party and we're so thankful to everyone who came by! we love you all......and so does gigi (i don't think i can fight this nickname.....it's her aunt ellen's favorite)

--the nights--

georgia has been a good little sleeper....getting up about two or three times....every three to four hours.....she eats and usually goes right back to sleep. i think she looks the cutest at night when i peek at her in her crib....she's all swaddled up like a burrito and only her cute little face is showing. and she's always so sweet and cuddly at three in the morning once i put that bottle in her mouth. chris has been amazing.....we've really become such a better team than i could ever have imagined. my mom and sister have been incredible too.....so helpful and so in love with georgia and i think they'd let her sleep on their chests all night if chris and i would let them.

--the days--

georgia has been so happy during the day and just lets all the visitors who come by everyday pass her around from arm to arm....sleeping the whole time. she loves baths....she actually feel asleep during one like she was having a spa treatment. she has hiccups all the time and i think she thinks they're funny. she had them almost every day for the past four months too so they've really just become a part of her life. she went to the dr.'s for the first time yesterday and has put back on all of her birth weight and then some....she has a little bit of thrush on her tongue which is very common in babies so she has her first antibiotic....it's so strange to see her name printed on a medicine bottle because she's finally a real little person.

our birth mom came over on tuesday with her mom and then with our birth dad on wednesday....they loved seeing her room and seeing what her house looked like. it made them feel good to see her environment and us with her in it. it makes me happy to get to see them and see them looking happier and more content. i'm excited to see how this relationship progresses.....

for now....i need to wrap up....this is getting long....i just felt like there was so much to report within this week.....a few pictures below of georgia's first week!